The 'D' word

I wish I could stop being afraid of everything.

Sometimes I think to myself, am I a dancer?

But when there’s something I remembered very clearly, and it’s what Alex had said. Even one of the choreographers who had participated in so many dance events does not dare to call him a dancer.

So how could a small tiny performer like me be called a dancer just because it’s been my CCA for 5 years?

And… what is my standard?

How good am I?

Am I worthy?

Those words that my senior said to me.

Those words really made a great impact to me.

Am I really… not that good?

I have to say that… People would always remember the negative stuff and neglect the good things.

That’s what happening to me right now.

This negative comment is stuck in my skull, trapped in the middle of all my brain nerves.

‘You’ll probably be like one of the back up dancers, just get a few items. Nothing really.’

Can’t write anymore. Speechless at myself.

What's this feeling.

It's been long since i've written a post.

Well, made some changes in my blog because the purpose of this blog has totally changed.

This blog use to be a tool to seek attention and talk about my daily life.

I mean... Who doesn't want to have more attention?

And im too lazy to blog about my daily life.. It isn’t that interesting anyway.

But now, this blog is going to be a place i write about my personal thoughts.

I don't think anybody will be reading anyways.. Probably some of my classmates that have bookmarked my blog.

Today was a cold day.

Christmas is coming.

I don't know why but as the day was coming to an end, i suddenly got depressed.

I don't know what hit me.

Maybe it's the rain. Maybe it’s the cup of wine that i drank.

You know the feeling where you are holding something inside and you really feel like screaming?

The feeling where your hands turn into fist and you tears start falling down from your eyes.

I’m experiencing it right now.

And I have no idea why.

Maybe it’s because of the assignments. Maybe it’s because of the lectures. Maybe… Maybe I’m just crazy.

I don’t like the way I am right now.

The person I’m suppose to be, that happy and cheerful girl.

I wonder if that’s the real me.

Even if that’s not the real me… I want it to be me.

Just be optimistic, cheerful, easy going…

Most of the time I’m able to do it.

But then again… My greatest fear will hit me at random moments.

For what my greatest fear is… I think I’ll write that next time.

Tears are streaming down my face again…

Haha, feels like I’m writing a story instead.

But I really want to just forget about everything and anything and just write how I really feel.

I don’t want to be having the mentality that someone will be reading and judging me and be afraid of every little thing I do.

Just this time.

Just on this blog.

  

I do..

How.

So much imperfections.

No.

Too much imperfections.

I do too want to be pretty.

Wearing dresses and sleeveless.

I do want to be skinny.

But it aint easy.

I do too want to be friendly and outgoing.

But why do i get nervous and afraid?

I do too..

But why everything just doesn't go the right way.

Too much imperfections.

Im not aiming for perfection.

I just want to be better. Acceptable. I do too.

Sigh.